I'm scared of failure.

Nobody wants to fail at anything. Nobody wants to be told you have failed. 

You failed the test, you failed to impress me, you failed to deliver (especially when that comes to clothing deliveries) Fail, what a horrible word when you think about it. 

I guess this post is quite a personal account or insight into my life currently as it stands. 

At the moment where I sat rigid in bed, mostly from the cold but mostly because I'm too scared to do anything at the moment. 

Much like when you climb into a pool in the summer, you dip your toe in a little to test the temperature and slowly but surely edge your body closer and closer until you fully submerge your whole self. Right now my life feels very much like that when, in fact, I should be fully in the water swimming lengths by now. 

Okay thinking about pools is making me want a holiday and a holiday is not quite on the horizon yet oh no we're not out the water yet. Enough on water.

 My final project at University has been in full swing for a couple of weeks now and honestly I should be much further ahead or more clued up on what it is I'm doing. But instead, I'm beating around the bush BIG time. The past few weeks I've had opportunities pop up that I am incredibly lucky to have, things falling right into my lap and experiences I never could have predicted. My tutors have been telling me how excited about my project they are. A few weeks ago now I was congratulated on my work and my portfolio- being told its the best in my year. I was even told, hand the portfolio over to someone looking to employ people and you will be snapped up just like that. People have told me 'wow you're doing so well.' Sounds good right? I should be skipping through life. Don't get me wrong I am so made up, from time to time I have been very lucky and never take anything that comes my way for granted. All you ever want as a creative is to be told you are doing well and to be told people love your work

But it almost feels like I'm set up for a fall.

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I'm scared of failing.

 I'm scared that I'm not going to live up to that standard people are expecting. I keep having conversations with people about how scared I am and how I don't know what to do, where to go how do I push forward with my work? To their reply 'Your work will turn out good, it always does in the end' but this time what if it doesn't. As humans, we aren't built perfect. 

 I'm studying Fashion, which you probably already know by now. The majority of my year is making and designing collections. I, however, have taken the more digital, online, journalistic route by creating an online magazine. Honestly, you think I'd be over the moon, I'm getting to do everything I want to do, film, write, photograph and create my own content, no rules, my own boss. I love the project, my idea and being able to do- to an extent what the hell I want. 

But I feel so lost because I'm scared of failing, I'm scared that there's so much expectation of this project succeeding that it's holding me back. Well and truly it is.

3 months from now I'm done with university. 4 years at University and it's all came down to one deadline. One deadline, it's all over. 

In some ways writing that now feels sad, but I am so ready to go into the real world. I think I've been ready for a while now. Though give it a few months after I finish university I think in some ways I may miss it. We'll see.

I guess I feel at the end of this post I should conclude it in some positive way, give some top tips on 'How to cope in your final year' or 'How to stop being scared of failing' but I'm not quite there yet. 

Instead, I suppose this is one of those 'stay-tuned-for-the-next-installment' situations (cringe as that sounds). 

For now, I'll take a deep breath and dive head first into the water and see where I'll end up. Who knows it might not be as scary as I thought- but let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

Last but not least, I'm obsessed with these Split Striped Side Wide Leg Pants that give a nod to the side stripe trend thats knocking about at the moment (that sentence was a bit of a mouthful) - to be fair I have been up on that trend a while. I've also been loving this tshirt that Jay brought me for Christmas. Those sports luxe vibes are never going away. 

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