I've mulled the topic of this post over a lot today, a lot more than I usually do which I think is partly both to do with not having blogged for a while and feeling slightly stuck in a rut (I know you’re probably thinking spare the excuses again Paige) but also the reason is due to having various ideas floating in my mind at the moment. I felt like I couldn’t blog about those before addressing or really assessing (oh that rhymes) where I am in life right now, both with you and myself. A lot like in yoga when you take those 5 minutes at the beginning of a practice to find your ground, find where your bodies at and really take a moment to ground down and think about where you are at this moment in time- I'm really big on my yoga at the moment can you tell?
I find it hard to put on a front and write blog posts or even instagram captions when I'm not feeling it, or I'm not in that positive place right now, that's normal for everyone right? So I had to be honest with you guys on my blog. I wanted to share a post that ultimately says that not being okay is okay.
I find it hard to put on a front and write blog posts or even instagram captions when I'm not feeling it, or I'm not in that positive place right now, that's normal for everyone right? So I had to be honest with you guys on my blog. I wanted to share a post that ultimately says that not being okay is okay.
This is a post I wanted to write to try to sweep away that 'Instagram facade' or overall online front of everything always being 'sunshine and roses' (though if you've looked at my instagram recently that is quite literally the case- I’m really into using flowers as props on the gram at the moment).
No but seriously, I wanted to be honest and take this time to talk about, really what it comes down to at the end of the day- being human.
No but seriously, I wanted to be honest and take this time to talk about, really what it comes down to at the end of the day- being human.
Whether you may realise it or not some of us are out here having a shit time, going through it, battling problems with our own self worth, confidence, body issues, relationship issues, hell maybe all of the above. We aren't all 'on it' 24/7 like our online personas may suggest, none of us are. I guess writing this as a blogger/influencer I wanted to say that what 'we' the creators choose to show you online isn't the full picture or a pastel painting of how wonderful our life is, there's a lot beneath the surface a lot of the time. Which I'm sure by now you already know, nobody is happy- clappy all the time are they surely??
Truth is, hand on my heart I’ve not been myself a lot lately, or if we are being really honest here I haven't been myself for the past few months. Between feeling conflicted about what I want to do in life, where I want to go and exactly what the hell it is I am doing with my life I've felt exhausted, angry, lost and admittedly alone for the most of it. For a while writing about it made me feel lame, or like I was admitting to a dirty secret. I almost felt guilty at myself for feeling that way, why are we so eager to shout about our successes our happiness but yet so reluctant to admit to our own feelings and say 'hey you know what I'm not feeling myself right now, I've been having a tough time'.
It's saddening in many ways, that many of us feel that way a lot of the time.
Truth is, hand on my heart I’ve not been myself a lot lately, or if we are being really honest here I haven't been myself for the past few months. Between feeling conflicted about what I want to do in life, where I want to go and exactly what the hell it is I am doing with my life I've felt exhausted, angry, lost and admittedly alone for the most of it. For a while writing about it made me feel lame, or like I was admitting to a dirty secret. I almost felt guilty at myself for feeling that way, why are we so eager to shout about our successes our happiness but yet so reluctant to admit to our own feelings and say 'hey you know what I'm not feeling myself right now, I've been having a tough time'.
It's saddening in many ways, that many of us feel that way a lot of the time.
I've been left university for a year now and I feel less successful than I would have expected by this point, I'm not saying because I've been to university I expected to be successful- though that is partly why anybody does a degree right? But I feel so far behind at this particular point in my life.
The only way I can explain the most part of this year is by describing it as though I've felt like I've been sat in a waiting room in the dreaded doctors or at the dentist waiting to be called in, watching as everybody else gets there opportunity and I'm sat still waiting for my appointment. On occassion being given the appointment I so desperately need and being sent back out to the waiting room to wait for my results. This past year has been tense and it's been truly, truly exhausting. I've attended interview after interview, for job after job, applying tirelessly and playing the ever long waiting game.
The only way I can explain the most part of this year is by describing it as though I've felt like I've been sat in a waiting room in the dreaded doctors or at the dentist waiting to be called in, watching as everybody else gets there opportunity and I'm sat still waiting for my appointment. On occassion being given the appointment I so desperately need and being sent back out to the waiting room to wait for my results. This past year has been tense and it's been truly, truly exhausting. I've attended interview after interview, for job after job, applying tirelessly and playing the ever long waiting game.
I think it's hard not to say at this point that I'm not both affected by doing that or by where I am in my life right now. Life after university is a testing time, I've said this before but I believe nothing truly sets you up for it. Perhaps if you were gave a handbook and guide after leaving most would be or feel better off, still it's all part of adulting right? I'm sure we all wish we had a handbook to direct our way through finances, taxes, rent, buying a house, getting a mortgage etc... I mean you get the picture.
I suppose in my own mind I feel like I'm racing against the clock to not only get my 'dream job' or to find my true purpose in life but also to find happiness, to find that point that makes me feel like I'm getting it right. I've been hung up a lot lately on adulting and finding myself longing for the more trivial things in life like mulling over getting a gym membership or buying a dog but finding myself stuck at the hurdle of more practical problems that need to be jumped before meeting with those trivial things on the other side.
Similarly a year ago I wrote 'No but really, what now?' a post I wrote with the expectation to be now sitting down a year later writing a follow up on how much has changed, how much has happened and talking about exactly how well I'm doing now, but that's not how life works unfortunately, or least not mine.
Now before we get all deep and you think about closing down your browser before muttering 'eh is she okay?' I wrote this post with the intention to say that life has a strange way of working things out. Things take time and personally for me progression has been slow. That's not to say I haven't progressed, made changes or done things in the past year since writing that post, it's more about taking it back to the beginning of this post and being mindful of where I am right now and admitting that I'm not there yet, I'm working on it.
A lot of the inspiration for doing this post also came from celebrating my belated birthday at the weekend. An occasion that was put off for a few weeks for a multitude of reasons, one being something I touched on in one of my last posts relating to maintaining friendships after university, or at least a long time spent in each others pockets. Organising get togethers after that time is hard let me tell you, especially when you aren't all in the same city. Eventually a month after my birthday we managed to grab a weekend we were all free to get together.
I hosted a little party at my place complete with pizza and some rather adventurous snacks (me and jay made avocado wedges, hit me up for the recipe if you fancy it) before heading out to let my hair down (I hate that saying but let’s just go with it)
Regardless of friends being available I thought for a while before my birthday about doing anything at all, even on the actual day of my birthday partly because when you just aren't feeling 100% you don't really feel like giving 100%. (Wow that's a whole mood rn). However given it was my birthday I felt expected to do something to commemorate it- which I'm glad I did after all. I found myself feeling the exact same prior to going out, leaving behind my worries resting on my shoulders felt like one of the last things I wanted to do at that moment in time but actually I found that it helped me to feel a lot more positive (perhaps not the day after with the hangover from hell but at least at the beginning of the week). Sometimes you need things to just help you press that reset button.
Sometimes that's all it is. Dealing with feeling low or not feeling yourself you need that push or that pull to get you out of that dip, that literal hole in the ground to get you back up on your feet again.
For some reason I'm now picturing a time when I was younger walking my friends dog and I got dragged down a ditch (by the dog) resulting in my friend having to pull me out, theoretically that is what I'm referring to. As stubborn as you may be- which I certainly can be you can get so lost in your head before realising that you need someone to talk to or that you need someones help to pull you back out of your mind or that space you are in. Again it's okay to ask for that, in fact scream it if you need it.
For some reason I'm now picturing a time when I was younger walking my friends dog and I got dragged down a ditch (by the dog) resulting in my friend having to pull me out, theoretically that is what I'm referring to. As stubborn as you may be- which I certainly can be you can get so lost in your head before realising that you need someone to talk to or that you need someones help to pull you back out of your mind or that space you are in. Again it's okay to ask for that, in fact scream it if you need it.
Right now I don't have the answers to everything, boy I wish I did but I don't. I wish I knew how to make things better, I wish I knew how to push forward. I've wrote posts like this in the past where I've reeled off 101 reasons to be happy or advice to help but honestly I don't have all the answers right now I can't even pretend that I do. But at least trying to summarise my feelings or ending this post on a positive note I wanted to write about the things that have helped or are helping me right now to deal with this funny ol' thing we call life.
Sometimes these things are some of the reasons I keep going, I keep on pushing forward and somehow manage to keep that positivity, at least for now.
Yoga
Writing my I'm looking after me, my mind and my body blog post I explained a few reasons why I'd started taking more care of my body leaning more towards the physical reasons but mainly one of the things I've drew from doing so, has resulted in me feeling a lot better within myself too. Mainly one of the things I've started to do more recently is Yoga, I've always adored it but in these past few months I've been picking up doing it at least 2-3 times a week and have found that actually it's helped me to concentrate on my mind at the same time as my body. Taking just a section of my day to take some time for me truly does the world of good to lift my mood sometimes. Like I joked about at the beginning of the post, yoga really does allow that moment to reflect and focus on you.
Working-out in general for me helps, something I do in between yoga days. It's not for everyone I admit but for some reason it wakes me up in the morning. Heading into workout is like that slap you need to wake up and shake up and get your body moving (I used to sing that at primary school) For me it kick starts the day and keeps me motivated, I guess theres (definitely) some scientific reason behind it too.
Working-out in general for me helps, something I do in between yoga days. It's not for everyone I admit but for some reason it wakes me up in the morning. Heading into workout is like that slap you need to wake up and shake up and get your body moving (I used to sing that at primary school) For me it kick starts the day and keeps me motivated, I guess theres (definitely) some scientific reason behind it too.
Find things you enjoy
Personally I think life is all about the small things always, regardless of how good your life is going finding time for the small things like putting your feet up with a cup of tea after a long day or a hot soak in the bath allows you to press that all important reset button and gives you the strength to be able to do the bigger things. Sometimes it's like a reward, that little something to look forward to, it may not be much but it's enough.
Similarly make plans to look forward to
Going back to speaking about spending some time with friends at the weekend and going out to enjoy myself, making plans to look forward to definitely helps keeps you positive and gives you that end goal to enjoy. I've had a lot of weeks recently where I have felt quite deflated and fatigued but making plans for the weekend keeps me going.
Getting out
Again this is a similar one but not necessarily tied down to the idea of making plans it's more about getting out of the house or out of the same setting you are used to seeing. Sometimes we can be so closed in and hung up on looking at the same things or doing the same things that even if it's just for 5 minutes on your lunch break you take a step outside for some fresh air, or go for a walk it can really help give you that moment to take a deep breath before you return, or even returning to somewhere different to work can really change your mood or your outlook on your work ethic or motivation.
Personally I think life is all about the small things always, regardless of how good your life is going finding time for the small things like putting your feet up with a cup of tea after a long day or a hot soak in the bath allows you to press that all important reset button and gives you the strength to be able to do the bigger things. Sometimes it's like a reward, that little something to look forward to, it may not be much but it's enough.
Similarly make plans to look forward to
Going back to speaking about spending some time with friends at the weekend and going out to enjoy myself, making plans to look forward to definitely helps keeps you positive and gives you that end goal to enjoy. I've had a lot of weeks recently where I have felt quite deflated and fatigued but making plans for the weekend keeps me going.
Getting out
Again this is a similar one but not necessarily tied down to the idea of making plans it's more about getting out of the house or out of the same setting you are used to seeing. Sometimes we can be so closed in and hung up on looking at the same things or doing the same things that even if it's just for 5 minutes on your lunch break you take a step outside for some fresh air, or go for a walk it can really help give you that moment to take a deep breath before you return, or even returning to somewhere different to work can really change your mood or your outlook on your work ethic or motivation.
Not forcing things
Emphasising the message behind this post with the respect to really be aware of how you feel, forcing yourself to do things either not in the right frame of mind or not feeling able to do something only results in you feeling more frustrated. Sometimes you have to do though because that's life right? But if you can afford to give yourself time to take a step back and go at it once you are able to, produces a whole different approach.
These are all small things, but hopefully like for me they make a big difference. I can't urge you enough however to talk to people who you know will listen to you if you aren't feeling your best, or on the reverse messaging a friend when you know they may not be in the best place right now. I can't say how much these things can help a person- I know they do for me.
I'm also always there for anyone who may need it, anyone reading this who may be feeling that way right now my inbox is always open. I've also included a number for the samaritans for those who need someone to talk to: Tel: 116123
Remember that it's okay to not be okay, remember that we are all going through things big and small.
I hope that this post made sense from both my musing and thoughts. Most of all thank you all for taking the time to read and for understanding- I hope where I'm coming from.
I know right now in myself I have a long way to go, a long way to that straight and narrow, if that straight and narrow even exists but I'm on my way, I hope.
What's your opinion?