This post is a sort of ramble if you will, an unstructured explosion from my brain.
Actually now I’ve put that sentence down on paper, or the screen in this case (does any still write their blog posts on paper??) doesn’t sound at all appealing, I apologise for that.
I wanted to write quite simply because for the past week or so I’ve had a lot of thoughts and feelings swimming around, I mean I basically use my blog as a diary now anyway, so it only seemed right to voice all those thoughts and feelings here with the intention of it somehow gathering a conclusion and actually making sense.
I’m writing this now without having a clue about a title when usually that’s my starting point. So if you’re reading this and it has a title, hoorah we made it.
Though I spoke about my blog almost being my grown-up adult diary in a sense, a diary that I ahem, decided to share with the general public. I am trying my hardest to not make it a sombre or dark place to be. A lot of my feelings being like that just lately for various reasons, the obvious being how long I’ve been searching for a job and the feeling of that taking a toll on me.
I met up with the beautiful Caitlin from caitlinrubyporter.co.uk at the weekend and got onto the subject of writing blog posts to which she said (which I hope she doesn’t mind me repeating) is that she can only really write when she’s either really happy or really sad which resonated strongly with me, all in all, that is ultimately the truth when it comes to writing, for me especially.
So here we are. What exactly is this post about Paige? What exactly have you gathered us all here today for?
(Spoiler alert: the clue will be in the title but alas we in this current present having not yet reached that part)
One thought heavy on my mind right now is the Jesy Nelson: Odd One Out documentary which I spent Sunday afternoon balling my eyes out to. It hit me hard much like, I’m sure it did for many other people too, it’d be hard not to given that you’re human.
If you’ve reached this point and haven’t watched it, I urge you to do so. It focuses mainly on the effects online bullying has on people and in particular Jesy's personal experience of how it affected her. Both exceptionally brave and honest of her to do a documentary on such an issue, especially in the day and age we live in and shedding a light on exactly how much social media effects especially everyone young and old but especially young peoples mental health. For me, though it sparked up many similar feelings in some aspects parts that were really poignant for me, parts that I wanted delve a little into on here.
In one part of the documentary Jesy goes to see a body image specialist called Liz Richie where they speak about only posting images that are perfect, or for the way that we (the person posting) wants others to see us. The idea of living up to peoples expectations and posting for validation. Jesy goes on to say that 'she can’t post a picture where she doesn’t look perfect'. This idea that on social media we perfect this mask, this persona that we want others to see and we allow ourselves to be judged off of that. It’s something that you don’t really bat an eyelid about until you really sit and think about the reasons behind putting an image out online and ultimately the reason is for validation- not always the case of course but it was something I really sat and thought about for a moment.
"This idea that on social media we perfect this mask, this persona that we want others to see and we allow ourselves to be judged off of that. It’s something that you don’t really bat an eyelid about until you really sit and think about the reasons behind putting an image out online"
I’ve had a lot of hang-ups as late, one of which being that sometimes I feel as though the image I put out of myself online is the side to myself I love more, my best side which is really very obvious in a sense given that I’m not going to post a photo when I’ve just woke up for real that is not hashtag I woke up like this not just because I don’t want others to see me like that, but also because I don’t particularly like myself like that either.
You almost reach this point where you begin to draw a line between this person you live through online in comparison to who you really are. In real life, you don't get to decide which side of your face to show or the best version of yourself, in real life what you see is what you get.
I’ve spoken about this at various points in blog posts before such as 'Can we please stop apologising for being who we want to be online' and 'It's okay to not be okay'. But this is about looking at it from a different perspective.
I spoke about it briefly on the phone to Jay last night to which he replied ‘but it's not like you literally wear a mask online’ which is the truth, I don’t.
I’ve always been honest about a lot of things online- sometimes on my blog, a little too honest much- like this post probably is going to be. I’m honest about the fact that I admit to editing my skin occasionally on photos (which by the way is the only thing I edit other than lighting etc) for the sole reason that if the photos were taken at the time where I had a bad breakout and I have a big hangup about it, I don’t particularly want to look back on those photos and think bloody hell my skin looked awful, or I wouldn’t feel confident enough to post them because I wasn’t happy with it. I don’t see much point in paying homage to a spot on my face because, in a weeks time, it’ll be gone (least I hope it will).
For me, I don’t find anything wrong in doing that because I do it for me, nobody else I’ve never tried to resemble this perfect being on social media, never. But then I’m aware that it then falls into that territory of being an ‘influencer’ It’s my job to influence it’s my job to portray a real person on social media.
I’ve always wished that I could be one of those people who post bare-faced selfies, and speak openly about their 'problem skin' and the struggles I go through in regards to that. Who knows one day I might but right now I’m not at that point where I feel brave enough to, I have so much respect for those that do but for me personally it absolutely terrifies me.
In a job where you have the authority to influence it’s about being free to choose what you show about yourself on social media. People seem to forget that as much as you can hashtag 'body positivity' and show your stretch marks or your cellulite or whatever it may be (which by the way is incredible if you can do so). Some of us still have hangups about it and though I’ll speak about how having those is normal I may not want to or feel open enough to share them myself for my own personal confidence. If you have the power to do so, however, do it.
"You almost reach this point where you begin to draw a line between this person you live through online in comparison to who you really are. In real life, you don't get to decide which side of your face to show or the best version of yourself, in real life what you see is what you get."
The thing I'm so quick to speak about though is the minute it becomes a problem. The minute when the person you see online doesn’t resemble the person in real life. I’m talking the scary face tune stuff, the editing yourself to point where it isn’t human, that’s where I find an issue, you could say at this point but Paige, you said in 'Can we please stop Apolgoising for who we want to be online' blog post, why should we apologise for who we want to be online but what some of the thoughts behind writing this post is about, is reminding people that behind social media we are all human beings behind it all.
Something that was echoed so strongly throughout Jesy’s Documentary was the effect that other people had on her confidence and the ability to be who she is. She even admitted herself that it had a huge impact on the way she even saw herself in real life.
I guess what I'm really doing here is trying to say that not everything online is real. Something I’ve reiterated in multiple posts time and time again. It’s important to know that regardless of celebrity status like Jesy or regardless of influence the point is that behind it all we all each have our own hangups, our own personal gripes, the things we don't like about ourselves. Sometimes I feel as though I’m made to feel almost guilty for having them. To the point, I often find myself at such a pressure that when people meet me in real life they will be disappointed that I don’t live up to my online self. I know it sounds stupid and at this point, you are probably thinking god what a first world problem, but I can be assured in knowing that I’m not the only person in that same position. Like I said I’m not saying here that I feel as though I’m not like my ‘online self’ really I’m just getting at sometimes the pressure we may feel to live up to our online profiles.
A time I felt like that was two years ago now when I went to fashion week for the first time. For a while, after I thought about writing about my experience ‘I went to fashion week!’ I thought about talking about the experience the way people would expect me to but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t bring myself to sugar coat it in such a way that I’d end up lying about enjoying the experience because, in all honesty, I didn’t. I was supposed to enjoy it right? So many people would kill to be at such a prestigious event, I was a fashion student aspiring to go into the industry it should have been a dream and honestly, I hated it.
Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t every aspect of it. For a start I got to see my favourite designer, Henry Holland showing House of Holland’s new collection I even caught sight of Drew Elliot and Alexa Chung, at that I almost died. I enjoyed every second of being asked to be a part of it. But the whole time I didn’t feel like I was enough.
A lot of that was on me I allowed my lack of confidence to take over me. The whole time I felt on edge. Did I look good enough, did I have a good outfit on? Was I fashionable enough? Did my hair look okay? What if I spotted someone I knew, what if they spotted me too and my makeup looked shit? What if I spoke to them and I had lipstick on my teeth. All things that are completely normal but from going from online to real life it's not as easy as editing out imperfections or removing that bit of lipstick of your teeth.
"The whole time [at Fashion Week] I didn’t feel like I was enough. A lot of that was on me I allowed my lack of confidence to take over me. The whole time I felt on edge. Did I look good enough, did I have a good outfit on? Was I fashionable enough? Did my hair look okay? What if I spotted someone I knew, what if they spotted me too and my makeup looked shit?"
Prior to the show, and after I felt myself comparing to each and every individual and the more I did so the more I felt unworthy.
Now you’re probably sitting there thinking but Paige you aren’t a celebrity, that’s how they must feel every day and that, of course, is true and for that, I have admiration for what they do. For me, I didn’t like the idea of it somehow feeling like it was also about solidifying a status.
Some parts about it felt inaccessible in ways. I seen a few people who I recognised from the online world, who’s accounts I loved especially one in particular of course (naming no names) I felt as though I couldn’t comment on there outfit or say how much of a babe I thought they were in the same way you can on social media, in some ways I felt like a silly fan.
I caught sight of an influencer at one point however who seemed disinterested to even be at the event to the point she looked almost uncomfortable but you can rest assured that her social said otherwise. Oh, what a fab time she was having on social media.
I’m not bitter here or pointing fingers only again pointing that not everything you see online is real.
I remember the train journey home that day, I felt almost guilty for not having enjoyed myself but at the same time, I couldn't tear myself away from my own insecurities, one's that be covered up oh so easily on social media.
Just circling back to the odd one out documentary with Jesy, in another point she visits an event that specifically targets anti-bullying in relation to social media in which they speak about the effect of social media and whether it has a positive or negative association to it. To which I strongly agree to it having both. We do live in a time where social media is so important to our lives, it's becoming more and more important even in the type of jobs we do, for some of us we rely upon it. For some of us, we live and breathe it but at some point, we have to see life without a filter, without followers and likes or lack of if you're a victim of the algorithm. I'm not sure that at this point any of this post makes sense or even if anyone can find a mutual understanding on what I'm trying to say. I just think that sometimes we are so quick to take things at face value and think that because of what we see online, we believe so much of it is true. We don't show the things that we aren't happy about, or the things that make us sad, we share the things around that, of course not all. I know that some people do and like I've said, I think that's incredible. But don't be so quick to judge, don't be so quick to form an opinion without thinking about the reality of it. The reality that is a human behind a screen.
What's your opinion?