That's it, I'm calling time on caring so much about fitting in

I've always been a loner of sorts something that I guess I haven't really admitted to much, until now which is for a number of reasons.
 a) being who really wants to admit to 'being a loner' and 'not fitting in'
b) the fact that I have been in denial for a long time thinking that fitting in is the be and end all, which can be, unfortunately, the case in some circumstances.
and c) thinking that I do indeed fit in places where I quite simply don't.
All of which may sound like I'm being harsh on myself- I can image Jay reading this going 'babe why'd you put yourself down like that?" but honestly I think I can finally admit to myself that being a loner is okay, not fitting in is okay. It really isn't the be and end all, perhaps I never will find a place I fit in and that's okay too.

Don't get me wrong I have friends now, supportive wonderful friends that always have my back and I know that if I need them they will be there and vice-versa.
The same through school, I've always had small, close-knit type friendships. But during that time like every other adolescent, I tried to fit in, in school. Hell, who doesn't? Some days it felt like without it, I'd be n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Not short of something my 14-year-old self would write in my diary after a shit day at school. I remember sitting in a music lesson once at school and being asked to sit with 'the populars' to which I reluctantly obliged when I caught sight of another boy who as a matter of fact tried painfully to be 'one of them' throughout our time at school. Watching me move to sit next to them it was almost like you could see the strain in his face like those around him, longing to have that security of belonging or acceptance to fit in.

But why?

Looking back now, I realise that I never was going to fit in, I never was going be into the same things as my classmates. Still, now I don't have everything in common with my friends because let's be real, we are all individual human beings and what kind of friendship would it be if you were exactly like them. But for a while, I tried to be just like my friends.

 I had a group of 'friends'- if you put the term loosely at school that as we all began to grow up, as expected our tastes changed which thankfully for the good meant, mine did too. Much to the overriding realisation that they were in fact, toxic but hey that's another topic for another time.

 I went through a time where I listened to shit music with them, which again I'm not disputing is part of your regrettable teenage years. But sometimes I found myself listening to things that I know at the time I didn't like. Or pretending I liked a film, or something on the telly just to fit in. I'm not saying that time of friendship (again loosely) was built on lies because occasionally I did enjoy the same things as them, but I felt like by being left out of the things the majority of people liked meant in some way I wasn't normal, or I wasn't 'one of them'.

Now I'm thankful to say I wasn't like them or, am not like them now. Looking back most of the decisions I made to fit in makes me wish back then I'd have held my middle finger up and walked off into the distance with 'go your own way' playing as though it was a scene from a film- given that this was a high school teen movie, but alas life doesn't work that way. Nor, did I befriend the popular girls or boys at school and find out I was, in fact, meant to be a mean girl all along 
(I did eventually break away with the friends I did like so it's not all bad endings) 

So I guess getting into this whole blogosphere during school gave me a sense of belonging for a while, a group of people on the same journey, with the same style- well that is if we're referring to circa 2009 which seemed to be the case looking back to that time whilst doing the #10yearchallange (why did we all put belts round everything and have side fringes??) but it came apparent that actually, we are all different in blogging, just because we have a blog it doesn't make us 'the same' we have a mutual interest or job, yes. But our tastes differ, our opinions and topics we choose to write about differ. It's only natural Which is actually one of the most exciting things about the blogging industry or shall I say influencer industry if blogging is supposed to be dying.

So you are probably thinking so what's your beef then girl? This was all so long ago you may ask. But the same still applies now which, as a matter of fact, isn't really beef more of an observation or opinion if you will thats been cropping up quite a bit just lately and writing this post really just gives me piece of mind. 

Just lately scrolling on Instagram through a mass of perfectly edited, warm-toned, blurred-background-style photos it dawned on me once again that, I don't embody that style or that same kind of content and honestly I don't think I ever will. The amount posed outfit photos wearing that silky midi skirt from Topshop adorned over my feed over the past few months with the combination of 'styling videos' making an influx onto Instagram too made me question if I should be wearing those said clothes or creating those videos too? 

It's not the first time either, I think as a blogger or even as a reader of blogs you could quite easily wave your hand in the air and say I've been subjected to buying an item because a blogger made me do it (not physically obvs) just mean girls style. When now that said item sits at the back of your wardrobe wondering how it made it's way there in the first place. I guess it's a different topic in itself coming into the realms of peer pressure and temptation but I'm more referring to even considering buying the item just to fit in and be like everyone else. I even thought about giving in the other day and buying the silky midi skirt ( even though I'm on a spending ban right now) to which I had to stop myself and say wait, that's not me. (I didn't break into the Wiley song but just so you know it's stuck in my head now) Why should I even be asking myself that question when I know in my heart it's not right. Like the saying goes 'it doesn't matter about what others are doing it matters what you are doing' It's important to do just that, if you feel like you should do something that hadn't crossed your mind to do before everyone else started doing it, then don't.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is sometimes blogging, influencers and within the Instagram world it feels a lot of the time like an inclusive club you can't be a part of unless you all relatably have or do the same things but really it's not important to be a part of it at all. Something I continually must tell myself. Not to throw shade on anyone at all because honestly there are some fabulous creators out there but when you break away from the general stereotypical, Regent-street, dewy, golden hour shots you begin to realise that there are a lot of people who aren't like that or don't try to be like that. It's okay if you are like that but what I'm really trying to say is just don't be something you're not, just to fit in.

I know that there will be those that are reading this post (hi if you've made it this far) that have struggled to fit in FAR more than I have. I'm not disputing that because as far as that goes I'm barely a drop in the ocean. This post was more something that I wanted to say to myself, a piece of mind, something I wanted to get off my chest. Something I can read on days where fitting in does feel heavy. Let this be a reminder that one day you will find a place in all of this, somewhere you truly feel you belong. Or on the other hand you may not, you might be searching your whole life, but do you know what? That is A-okay to admit to. I know I'm still searching now.